i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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