Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm both gender and math confused
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
