Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
