I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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