this must be what syphilis tastes like
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
