Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
