So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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