Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
