Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It was confusing and full of hummus
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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