you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
