I wannas sexs uuuuu
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
