i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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