what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
