You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
