it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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