I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
