Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
