No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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