Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
