checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
