You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
