Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
