Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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