Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
