She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
