you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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