I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
