If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
