New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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