Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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