you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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