I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
my poor anus
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
