i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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