My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
