I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
