mondays should just be called national damage control day
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
