I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
