youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You're like the curious george of whores
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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