Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
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you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
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And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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