The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
