just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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