i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
