I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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