Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Houston, we have a squirter
Let's paint friendship bongs
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
