Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
