it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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