I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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