When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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