Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
