it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
