His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Randomize
