I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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