oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
