i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
