Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
