Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
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