he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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