Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
