My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
