Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
