I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
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